I like bullies. Actually, if I ever have control over who's put in my class, I always ask for the grade level bullies to be put in mine. They're outspoken about how they feel, they break rules to get what they want and, most importantly, they're leaders. Mind you, they lead people to make poor choices, but that's a minor detail.
Seriously, though, it's so much easier to teach right from wrong than to teach leadership skills. Many years have I taken the class bully, turned them around to making good choices, and BAM! my class is run for me. There are only minor behavior problems for the rest of the school year.
So, the question becomes, how do I turn these stubborn leaders from leading negative choices to leading positive choices? I have a dialogue that I have with the bully. It goes something like this:
Me: You were calling Katie a hippo and making fun of the way she looks. Do you know what that makes you?
Bully: *shrugs*
Me: A bully. And do you know what a bully is?
Bully: Someone that's mean to someone?
Me: No. Someone that doesn't like something about themself. You see, someone that likes themself doesn't feel a need to put other people down to feel good about themself.
Bully: *shocked face. eyes get wide*
Me: So my question to you is, what don't you like about yourself?
Bully: *shrugs*
Me: It's ok, I'll wait until you figure it out.
And then I silently what until that inevitable moment (and it always comes) when they realize we're not going anywhere until they say something. Their eyes start to well up and then the flood gates open up and they admit whatever insecurity they have. At that moment, I acknowledge that they said it but make sure not to validate them or make them feel better. They need to sit in the pain they've been hiding in anger towards others. During this time, I get them to really have empathy for their victims and usually they figure out they need to apologize.
After this interaction, a few things happen:
1. My relationship with this child is strengthened ten-fold.
2. The kid follows my directions in class very well (and gets everyone else to do the same).
3. The kid stops bullying.
I've never done this with a kid and heard of him/her relapsing into bullying. It's unbelievable.
Ya know, us, as adults, have forms of slight bullying as well. Gossip is one. I once heard gossip defined as information about another person that would change how the other would feel about them in a negative way. I see that when I choose to take part in gossip, it's really just because I want to feel better than that person in some way. I don't gossip about people I truly respect. It can take a strong commitment to live a gossip-free life (not even listening to it). But keeping the lens that gossip is to make people feel better about themselves helps me stay committed not to tearing people down behind their back, but to living a life of empowering them.
Seriously, though, it's so much easier to teach right from wrong than to teach leadership skills. Many years have I taken the class bully, turned them around to making good choices, and BAM! my class is run for me. There are only minor behavior problems for the rest of the school year.
So, the question becomes, how do I turn these stubborn leaders from leading negative choices to leading positive choices? I have a dialogue that I have with the bully. It goes something like this:
Me: You were calling Katie a hippo and making fun of the way she looks. Do you know what that makes you?
Bully: *shrugs*
Me: A bully. And do you know what a bully is?
Bully: Someone that's mean to someone?
Me: No. Someone that doesn't like something about themself. You see, someone that likes themself doesn't feel a need to put other people down to feel good about themself.
Bully: *shocked face. eyes get wide*
Me: So my question to you is, what don't you like about yourself?
Bully: *shrugs*
Me: It's ok, I'll wait until you figure it out.
And then I silently what until that inevitable moment (and it always comes) when they realize we're not going anywhere until they say something. Their eyes start to well up and then the flood gates open up and they admit whatever insecurity they have. At that moment, I acknowledge that they said it but make sure not to validate them or make them feel better. They need to sit in the pain they've been hiding in anger towards others. During this time, I get them to really have empathy for their victims and usually they figure out they need to apologize.
After this interaction, a few things happen:
1. My relationship with this child is strengthened ten-fold.
2. The kid follows my directions in class very well (and gets everyone else to do the same).
3. The kid stops bullying.
I've never done this with a kid and heard of him/her relapsing into bullying. It's unbelievable.
Ya know, us, as adults, have forms of slight bullying as well. Gossip is one. I once heard gossip defined as information about another person that would change how the other would feel about them in a negative way. I see that when I choose to take part in gossip, it's really just because I want to feel better than that person in some way. I don't gossip about people I truly respect. It can take a strong commitment to live a gossip-free life (not even listening to it). But keeping the lens that gossip is to make people feel better about themselves helps me stay committed not to tearing people down behind their back, but to living a life of empowering them.
